Greasy Spoon

Today we head down to Leicester for the Braunston parkrun, which is one we haven’t done before. MD seriously holds be back today. It’s true that there is less lead biting at the start but possibly more barking, if that’s possible. However what really stuffs our time is his FIVE comfort breaks. Three of which require a poo bag and I’ve only stuffed two down my shorts. That’s inconvenient but it’s the lost time that’s the real disaster.

Afterwards the only place to grab a coffee is the local leisure centre but I don’t think they’ll be much chance of a bacon roll there. They’ll probably just be a coffee machine and a long queue.

Instead we head home to see if we pass any cafes on the way back. Surprisingly we come across one of those greasy spoon affairs that lurk in laybys. This one, which is called Paula’s and is staffed by a chap who doesn’t look much like a Paula, is actually rather posh. It even has its own Batmobile and website.

In the afternoon Derby beat Rotherham 3-0 at what will soon no longer be called the iPro Stadium. What was supposed to be a 10 year deal will apparently end on 1^st January after just three years.

L again picks tonight’s film, so it’s a good job I get to take a pint of Centurion in with me. 

 
Ok. So I admit I was the one who watched all the Harry Potter films without fully understanding what was going on. Well, I did follow the first one which was utterly charming and the second to last one which was a bit like a proper film but the rest were all well, full of the sort of stuff I didn’t really understand. Wizardry you might call it. Made up stuff. So it’s fair to say that ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’ probably wasn’t made for me.

It's been five years since the last Harry Potter film and it’s a surprise that it’s taken that long for them to decide to bleed the original idea dry but now they clearly have now. ‘Fantastic Beasts’ is based on a fictional textbook Harry and his classmates studied at Hogwarts and JK Rowling published as a short story in 2001.

We are now back in the 1920’s and in the interests of coining the more lucrative American market the action has been moved to New York. Former Hogwarts student and now wizard zoologist Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) has arrived in the city on route to Arizona where he is going to release a Thunderbird into the wild.

When he arrives he is arrested by Porpetina Goldstein (Katherine Waterston) aka Tina a downgraded Auror from MACUSA (Magical Congress of the United States of America) whose job it is to investigate any unregistered wizard who comes into the city.

By now Newt has lost his suitcase, which contains not only the Thunderbird but other fantastic beasts, after one of the oldest tricks in the world, the old swapped suitcase affair. Consequently his beasts end up with no-maj (aka muggle) wannabe baker Jacob Kowalski (Dan Fogler).

The charges against Newt are dismissed by Percival Graves (Colin Farrell), presumably the boss, when he examines Newt's suitcase to find nothing but doughnuts while the contents of his original suitcase escape and run amok in NYC. 

Newt and Tina along with Jacob and Tina’s mind-reading sister Queenie (Alison Sudol), who seems to have the hots for Jacob, now team up to recapture them Pokémon-go style. Queue comic chase sequences.

Yes the Niffler, a magical platypus with an expensive strain of kleptomania, is cute and funny as it attempts to cram all the world’s valuables into its bottomless stomach but Eddie Redmayne performing a mating dance with the aim of luring a rhino-style beast, an Erumpent, is beyond excruciating.

You know that studios have run out of ideas when they end up resorting to more and more special effects. An hour into this I already have a CGI related headache along with a severe case of boredom.

Headache aside, I was sort of with everything to this point but new characters such as Credence Barebone (Ezra Miller), the adopted child of the wizard hating Mary Lou (Samantha Morton), keep coming at you from all angles without much in the way of an explanation. 

None of these characters added up to much which meant I didn’t really care much for any of them. What made the Harry Potter watchable was that the brilliant characters which are sadly absent here.

Rowling is capable of much better than this. We know she is, Casual Vacancy, Cormoran Strike etc. To me ‘Fantastic Beasts’ is a cluttered mess and I haven’t been so unentertained in a long time.

At least you know it's a wind up when Johnny Depp appears at the end as Grindewald... it is a wind up, isn’t it? Apparently not, this is going to be a series of five films. Wake me up when it's all over.

Afterwards we have a couple of beers in the Scribblers’ ‘Room With A Brew’ before rounding the night off with a couple of Chocolate Gorillas in the Blue Monkey. We did stick our heads in the Borlase on the way to the Blue Monkey but they’d only got Tuck on, so we didn't stay. Good job really, would have hated to miss out on the CG.

(Saturday 19^th November)

A Modern Couple

I head straight from my comfy sleeping bag on a floor in Bingham to meet L at the Forest Rec parkrun where she is chalking one more off her 50 target. We have a coffee in the cafe before I drop her at JC and go home to take the boys out on to the park.

In the evening we show what a modern couple we are by embarking on our separate night outs in the same City.

L heads off to enjoy Johnny Depp’s vocals in Into The Woods which she describes as a fairytale musical thing. I think I have chosen the better option as I still get flashbacks about Sweeney Todd although I’m sure she disagrees.

My option is something different from the band that have brought us performances in churches, museums, on sea forts, in libraries, on boats, at village fetes, on oil platforms, in the highest pub in Britain, at the Chelsea Flower Show, at Jodrell Bank, in the Czech Embassy etc etc. Need I go on...

Tonight we’re at the theatre in Derby and we’re all seated, which takes me out of my comfort zone somewhat even if I am seated rather comfortably. The last time British Sea Power were in Derby we all nearly died in the sweltering July heat at The Venue, which that night was indeed your proverbial sweat box of a venue, so this evening is very very different.

For the last two years the band have been putting together their Sea of Brass project working with arranger/conductor Peter Wraight. Wraight has created bespoke brass parts to go with some of BSP’s finest moments. The band are now touring the finished article in conjunction with brass bands from up and down the country.

So tonight there are the men in suits from Derwent Brass taking up one side of the stage and BSP, along with the usual foliage, taking up the other.

The audience too seems split down the middle. It’s an odd mix. There’s either a lot of very elderly BSP fans or they're here for the brass. A chap next to me makes the very valid comment of how do you play the trombone with a face full of smoke. I guess we’ll see. I wonder if they’ve rehearsed this with the smoke, I also wonder how they’ve rehearsed this at all given it’s a different brass band every night.

The set list features, perhaps not surprisingly, many tracks that have a more gentle orchestral feel to them such as the opening ‘Heavenly Waters’, which was a mere b-side to early single ‘Carrion’. It is indeed a treat of the not often played tonight with songs such as ‘A Wooden Horse’ from their first album and ‘Albert's Eyes’ off the ‘Remember Me EP’ making an appearance.

It’s not all gentle though. This trio is followed by ‘Atom’, quite a fast one. It’ll be interesting to see how this goes. It goes very well as it turns out, judging by the exhausted state of the brass band afterwards. In fact they give them the next song off as BSP change lead singers and Hamilton takes the mic for ‘The Land Beyond’ unaccompanied by the brass.

The obscurity continues with ‘No Need To Cry’ (rarely played from ‘Do You Like Rock Music?’), ‘Once More Now’ (‘Valhalla Dancehall’) and ‘The Smallest Church In Sussex’ (‘Remember Me EP’) with it’s terrible lyrics.

Some of the audience look a bit bemused and sadly a few leave early. In fact some of Derwent Brass look a bit bemused too but mostly they seem to have a riot. It’s a far cry from the solitary cornet player the band usually employ. Phil’s here as well by the way.

Whilst some songs have been stripped back to make room for the brass parts others like a loud, mind altering ‘Machineries of Joy’ have gone the other way. Then there’s the brilliant ‘Lately’, always a treat but often a rare one. Tonight the song soars higher than ever with the accompaniment of the brass.

Another unlikely bed partner for the brass is ‘Lights Out for Darker Skies’ which is a lively end to the main set with the Derwent Brass clearly now in full flow. 

The encore follows with a tremendous ‘Waving Flags’, naturally the ‘The Great Skua’ and the oddity that is ‘When a Warm Wind Blows Through the Grass’.

Overall this was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. The only thing lacking was a Bi-Polar Bear. Where was he/she?

We visit the Peacock for a few beers afterwards before getting the bus home.

(Saturday 10^th January)

A Good Business Decision

Squash is off, my opponent has cancelled. He says his back went while he was watching Johnny Depp in the Lone Ranger. Clearly he was living the part. If he sticks to chic flicks next week we might have a game on.

I go through the rigmarole of trying to get the game moved back a week as we are now within the 24 hour ‘no cancellations’ window.

The procedure is...

I ring the booking ‘hotline’. Who refuse to move it.

I ask to speak directly to the leisure centre. They refuse to transfer me.

I ask to speak to their supervisor. At which point they grudgingly put me through.

I speak to the leisure centre. Who refuse to move it.

I ask to speak to their supervisor. At which point they grudgingly agree to ‘see what they can do’.

Ten minutes later it appears changed on the online screen.

All rather long winded and wrong because you are allowed to ‘move’ bookings in the case of injuries. I email the council to check that this is still the case.

Proof that this is allowed is in the fact that you can do this all online and it's much less painful, that is when the online system is working. Which it isn’t at the moment.

At work, we do a pub lunch, where steak pie is back on the menu. Clearly they must have realised that removing their most popular dish wasn’t a good business decision. It is however, not good for the Cholesterol and my BMI.

Although clearly it is my squash opponent's fault that I’m fat. Plus I put myself through all the traffic thsi morning for no point whatsoever. There was no reason to be in the car today other than to play squash, which I’m now not doing.

So instead of playing squash I shall go home and throw footballs, for a while at least. Then we pick L up from her Sweatshop run. It’s nice to give the throwing arm a break.

(Thursday 16^th January)