Nice Morning For It

In a complete contrast to yesterday, it is a nice morning for it. Cycling that is.

Today is my boss's last day before his retirement and I spend the whole day trying to extract as much as possible from his brain before 5pm.

L asks me what books I would like for my birthday. Clearly this is a ruse to get herself around the current book embargo and legitimately into Waterstones. Although, of course, I would only expect her to visit to the sports book section.

She says that shutting her eyes for the first two floors would be disrespectful and akin to me swimming in the pool with a bikini clad female in the lane either side but not taking a peek. The difference being that I’d take a peak but I wouldn’t bring one home with me.

(Friday 28^th March)

Rule Of Thumb

I collect the bike, which looks as if it’s been fixed. I’ll give it a spin tomorrow.

Tonight is swim night. Although L asks if I’ve managed to talk myself out of it yet? Of course not. It’s in the diary now every Tuesday until June, prior bookings excepted.

L is in the gym as the same time tonight, she did her swim this morning when she complained of seven in the pool because of the hold up that causes in the showers afterwards. Particularly the bikini clad ones because apparently the rule of thumb is the briefer the swim suit, the longer it takes to shampoo and shower. 

Never mind seven in the pool, I bet they’ll be seven in my lane tonight but we don’t have problems with the showers. The unspoken rule in our showers is 30 seconds maximum and very few dare venture in to the showers with shampoo. If you have shampoo you tend to wait until everyone else has finished.We also take a dim view of any men wearing a bikini.

As it happens the pool is very quiet tonight, perhaps everyone is at a Bonfire Night party. Afterwards I give L a lift home, managing to squeeze her in alongside the bike and the shower screen I’ve bought.

(Tuesday 5^th November)

Left In The Dark

On the bike today, the old bike that is. The other one is still being tweaked.

On the way home I head to the pool, which is packed. Things have certainly got busier on a Tuesday since they replaced Wednesday nights with the underwater cycling class. I hope it’s not a success and then we can hopefully have the Wednesday swim session back.

Wiggle have replaced the goggles I had from them that snapped as soon as I tried to use them. The replacement pair seem ok and I use them tonight, although they are rather dark. Which is my fault because I ordered a tinted lens due to being dazzled by the sun at the Great Scottish Swim. However these are so dark that I barely see where I’m going, let alone spot a decent bikini in the next lane. It’s actually a bit like swimming in murky open water... so it should be good training then.

(Tuesday 8^th October)

A Great North Swim Misadventure

Find your next challenge here they said, so I did.

In fact I was very calm before my first open water swim. I’m not a hugely enthusiastic swimmer at the best of times but how much worse could open water be? Not much I reckoned. It’ll be colder, busier and choppier for sure but I was sure I could cope. Allegedly there’s also these water borne toxin things that L keep going on about but I’m sure you get worse things water borne in your local leisure centre’s pool.

So, you ask, if I’m not a massive swimming fan, why am I here? Well, I do have a slightly macabre fascination with triathlons and swimming is one third of those, which is rather inconvenient really. 

So here I am, trussed up in my brand new wetsuit with my better half smothering me with baby oil. So far so good then.

Then I don my green swimming cap. Indicating, coincidently, the same coloured wave as said better head was assigned to yesterday. A good omen perhaps?

First they let us into the water for a warm up. This is misleading, what they actually do is herd us single file into a small fenced off square of water, a bit like sheep heading into a sheep dip and tell us to do a quick circuit. Only one side of this square of water is deep enough to be swimmable and three strokes got you pretty much all the way across it. So the warm up didn't achieve very much other than a fleeting acclimatisation to the water temperature.

That was long enough for me to ascertain that the water wasn’t cold, not what I call cold anyway. The girl next to me disagreed vehemently with that assessment but then woman have never been a very good judge of temperature. The official temperature reading was 15.2 degrees, which is approximately how I like our heating at home.

The briefing is brief and basically tells us to swim in a big circle keeping the bright yellow buoys on our right apart from the orange ones which you swim through, even I can do that. The safety advice is that if you’re in trouble, you are to float like a dead goldfish on the surface. Which presumably is the signal for somebody in a canoe with a huge fishing net to come along and scoop you out. Then there's an on land warm up to music, which is probably as exhausting as the swim is going to be.

We start and I start at the back. I figure overtaking will be easier than being overtaken. This strategy was one of many that turned out to be flawed and whenever I got up a bit of speed I tailgated the person in front. So it’s back to the drawing board on tactics.

Problem number two was that the wetsuit floats. I was aware of this phenomenon but it is not how I envisaged at all and I found it very hard to get my head down to do my stroke. When I did, I either performed the aforementioned tailgating manoeuvre or problem number three reared its head, I started choking.

I think possibly my wetsuit was too tight around the chest and neck making it difficult to breath. Although the waves washing into my face didn't help me perform the most accurate of analyses. I briefly flipped over on to my back and breathed in, before quickly flipping back onto my front again before someone with a big fishing net came along and scooped me up. Instead I told myself to grow up and try again but still ended up doing the swim using about 70% breaststroke, which actually makes it all a doddle but this was not how I intended to do this event.

Following the buoys wasn’t a problem, so I didn’t have any need to look to see if there was indeed a black stripe running along the bottom of the lake like there is at the leisure centre. It was probably too murky to tell anyway, you could barely see through the water at all and it would have been very difficult to surreptitiously eye up the girl in the bikini who’s swimming in the next lane. This wasn't a huge issue, as there was no next lane and there was no girl in a bikini. At least I don’t think so.

At half way I’m tempted to keep going to the nearby bank, get out, have a good think about what’s going wrong, maybe bang my head against tree and then get back in for another go but I don’t. Instead I complete the distance without too much trouble although at a considerably slower pace than what I had intended. I suppose 45 minutes isn’t too bad for a first attempt and I've survived, which is the main thing. 

I sort of fist pump on my way out, yet L isn't even looking my way, she seems to be trying to get reception on her phone and is gazing with a worried look at a speed boat that's just brought an injured swimmer in. Ye of little faith. The speed boat, by the way, probably ruined my grand finale. I wondered what caused that big wave in the last 100 metres.

After that disastrous start to my first swim, what I probably need to do the most is get back in the water... oh dear.

Then it’s time for another battle with the ANPR cameras at the car park. The cameras have again missed our entry to the car park but have logged yesterday’s exit as our entry time. Luckily 6pm to 8am is free or else we’d be in for a big bill. I think I’ll sort this one out online when we get home.

We head back to camp, L can console me there. In the evening we try a different pub, The Engine Inn at Cark. It’s a bit more welcoming than last night and we can sit outside with the boys. The food is decent again but the beer range again a little uninspired. Nothing dark to deal with those toxins again.

(Saturday 15^th June)

I Have A Plan

It’s too icy to run. I take the car. I have a plan.

L advocates a few loops around the University’s Jubilee Campus, which she says has been salted and is therefore pretty good underfoot. That is if I’m not going to join the bikini clad students at the pool. I can’t believe she’s advocating multiple loops... that’s so un-her.

Meanwhile I’m becoming her... covering all eventualities. I have my gym kit and my swimming kit with me. All options are possible. As I said I have a plan, I’m just not sure what it is yet.

A swim is currently favourite, nothing to do with bikinis obviously but when I get there I find that the swimming pool doesn't actually open until 6:15. When did that change? I know it’s been a while, a few years actually, since I've driven here straight from work but even so. It’s also not really a money spinning strategy that will catch the post-work crowd.

So I’m in the gym instead, again. Just as I’m crouching down to tie my shoe laces, a nice pair of legs decked out in very familiar Adidas three-quarter length Lycra trousers stands next to me. It's L! I'm just about to run my hand up her leg, as you do, when I realise that it may be L's trousers but L doesn't, as far as I know, own a 'Carnage 2010' t-shirt, unless there’s something she’s not been telling me. I abort.

Obviously relieved at not getting groped 'Carnage 2010' wanders over to join 'Pub Crawl 09' and 'Pub Golf' (year unknown) on the treadmills, which are all taken. Then just as I’m contemplating the baffling prospect of a weights session because there are also no bikes free, 'Beyoncé... I am... Tour’ (2009, since you ask) vacates one. I hop on.

Then I remember how horrible the bikes at this gym are. You can't strap your feet in properly and the screens are near vertical, which means they are great for watching TV but not great for getting down over the handlebars and erm... cycling. You can at least do that at the Tennis Centre gym. The bikes seem harder to pedal here too. I can’t break 165 watts where normally it’s over 200 at the TC. After quite a painful 10k I decide to go for a refreshing swim.

Now tactically I almost had this spot on. I had left most of my stuff in a locker in the ‘dry’ changing rooms and now as I had my tri-shorts on and a towel with me, all I have to do is dump the rest of my gym kit in a locker in the ‘wet’ changing rooms and I’m sorted. I get in the pool, only to realise that my goggles are in the ‘dry’ locker. Bugger. No front crawl then. I breaststroke for four lengths before my arms give out. How do people breaststroke all night? Baffled and knackered I get out. Then I dry myself enough to elope to the ‘dry’ changing rooms and head home.

Then its dog training, where Doggo is delighted to get to socialise, if not to train. MD is just delighted, about everything.

As regards the cancelled Derby v Forest game, my worst fears are realised when the club come to the same conclusion that I already had. That the next free midweek date is 13th March, when we’re away skiing. Wonderful.

(Wednesday 8th February)

Mrs Beeton

On the bike and I’m late for work, not that I have any reason for this, other than being sluggish getting out of bed.

L complains about one of the dog refusing to go through the park gates and wanting to go home. I assumed she meant MD, keen to get back for his breakfast but no she means the old man. I've never had that problem with him. It’ll be interesting if he refuses when I’ve got the footballs on Saturday. Neither of them are actually that much into walking... they’d both make terrible dogs.

L plans a night of running, painting, knitting, reading and hoovering as well as soup and noodle making for tea. A woman's work is never done. Her words not mine. She’s turning into Mrs Beeton. Her words not mine. That’s a much fitter and sexier Mrs Beeton obviously, I don’t recall Mrs B running many half marathons but I could be wrong.

Did you know Mrs Beeton died age 28 and allegedly couldn't cook? Me neither.

Meanwhile I’m swimming. When L swam yesterday morning there were only two folk in the pool, including herself, and she bragged about spreading herself around a bit. Tonight, even the quietest of the six lanes has at least three people in it. If I spread myself around a bit I’ll end up spread all over the five young bikini wearing ladies in lane 3. Such is life.

Then its dog class with a very fired up MD. He does fired up so well. I need to get him booked into some events soon before this fired-up-ness wears off.

(Wednesday 11th January)

No Yuck

It’s still windy as I pedal into work on my best bike again.

L tracks down Son's abode for next year on Street View. Quite posh, detached, I was expecting a terrace. The landlord has even thoughtfully put a ramp up to the front door to make it easier for them to drag all those traffic cones, ‘For Sale’ signs and other assorted shop signs in to the house.

I go to the pool after work, to do my meagre number of lengths, compared with L’s mammoth Great North Swim training anyway. It’s very quiet when I arrive. They have just two lanes in, with only three of us using them and only two others in the main pool. I share the 'fast' lane with girl in a flowery bikini, who is a better swimmer than her attire suggests but I soon get the better of her and she decamps down to lane two. So I must have been impressive, or scary. Then at 6.30, as if by magic, the place is suddenly awash with people as the rest of the six lanes went in. There's a lesson in there somewhere for the council.

This means I get a more seriously attired and faster woman in my lane, time to finish up and bail out I think.

Back home I'm sitting watching a new band called ‘Yuck’ on ‘Later with Jools Holland’. Something I should have been doing tonight at the Rescue Rooms.

“Unfortunately, we're going to have to postpone our Nottingham show at the Rescue Rooms on the 24th of May until the 14th of November. This is because we've been offered an incredible opportunity to play Later with Jools Holland :) :) :) All your tickets will remain valid and you can refund them if you need to. I hope everyone understands!"

I would understand better if they offered me a Jools ticket as compensation.

(Tuesday 24th May)